I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I'm getting married
To pizza
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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