I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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