dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Randomize