All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Randomize
