Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
