Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
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