So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
