Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
