i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
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