It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Randomize
