you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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