dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
