There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Randomize
