she kept yelling 'call me bella'
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
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