I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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