Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
