shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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