I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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