I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
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