my sisters under your porch take her home
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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