Sry I called you an 8
i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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