pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
