I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
