During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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