you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
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