Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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