for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
i would one night stand the shit outta him
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
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