Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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