Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
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