I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
