Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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