the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
