she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I'm passing your future prison.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
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