my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
