Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
