I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Randomize
