Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Even my vagina gasped.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
