Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
