i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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