so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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