yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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