I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
