He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
