I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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