I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Randomize
