I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I touched a dick in church today
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
