Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
