Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Randomize
