I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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