Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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