The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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