just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Randomize
