I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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