Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
My life is pants optional.
Randomize
