No stitches, just platelets and will power
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
i now understand why vodka
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
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