I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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