I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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