so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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